No surprises, please.

As of lately, this is how I feel. Like an empty room, with no excitement or potential. Like no matter what, you're going to be there and if someone comes along to fill you then great. I feel like I've lost my "fun" factor and I don't know where I put it. I need more things to be positive than negative and I need more things to look forward to. I guess this is something I have to work on myself and make myself happy. I've tried helping others but somehow I always seem to fail in the end. I can't really understand what I'm supposed to do but for now, just wait it out.

You ever have one of those days when everything goes wrong? That's my day, everyday. I can never catch a break whether it's work, traffic, saying the right/wrong thing, picking the wrong check out line. You name it, it happens to me. I'm not sure why but I can't seem to catch that break. And let me tell you, it definitely builds up inside. And I tend to say things that I don't mean and I sometimes become selfish I guess, wanting others to understand that I have feelings too and they are easily hurt. But then again, people have other problems and why should I be the least of their worries. I'm just another girl in the world trying to "get in their way." I'm sorry if you feel this way and I'm sorry I've ruined your perfect day. But please excuse me while I try to get out the door before you. 

Ignorance in human society is something I will never understand. Driving slow in the left lane, telling someone you heard them but you're really thinking about something else, claiming a title position but still unfulfilling the responsibilities. It just amazes me how much the American society is in a downward spiral from when I was younger. 

I blame a lot of my emptiness on this. I think sometimes I'm just too nice of a person and I want to save the world. NOTE TO SELF: "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD." I need to start taking control of things I can change and doing so. I need to stop depending on others to get me through my days and just inspire myself to do better. Sometimes I think I let other people get a hold of me and that's why I feel alone. If they don't pay attention to me, I think I did something wrong and the situation needs to be fixed. As I'm starting to realize, a lot of the times this is not the case. They need to sort out whatever is on their plate before they can get to me. I just need to keep up the positive, independent mindset as should everyone who feels alone and do something that makes you happy. I work out because it makes me feel the best about myself and my daily routines. I like to have just my time and do things that make me, me. I'm not being selfish by making myself healthier. I think I just need to get my groove back and I think I'll be ok. I've always bounced back, just need a little something to help me through.

INDEPENDENT WOMAN, thanks Beyonce.

-Amy.

"I don't know, Google it.."

So I was listening to the radio on my way to work this morning and realized they made a valid point. What would anyone do without a cell phone or the internet? I mean seriously, I think some people would be completely lost. You wouldn't be able to update your Facebook status or send funny emails to one another. Better yet, you wouldn't be able to Google anything to find out if that rash is contagious or how tall the Empire State building really is. People would actually have to use the Dewey Decimal System to find books in a library for their answers! I think the idea of Google is even bigger than we know, in fact I know it is.


To think of all the time wrapped into the internet rather than spending time with people I care about or learning new things on my own.. sheesh, it's probably years. However, since I have the internet available all day everyday, I will continue to search what I can and read ridiculous updates by people I hardly know. What else is there to do ;-)


Definitely ready to get to some warmer weather soon too. Time to start planning 2010 vacations! 

Anyway.. Happy New Year, only 6 more months until Shark Week!

xoxo,

Amy

For auld lang syne, my dear.

Well, it's that time of year again. My birthday is a week away, Christmas not far behind, and another year is coming to a close. I feel a lot different about this one though. This year I don't feel sorry for things that happen in the past and I don't feel like I have to make myself someone new all over again. I'm happy and for the first time in my life, there is nothing I would change about it.

I've learned a lot about myself this year. I guess mostly that I'm growing up and I can't stop it, no matter how much I try. Of course, I'm still child-hearted and very full of spirit. 'Young at heart' if you dare. It's just different now because I know I have responsibilities that need to be taken care of before I can play. And I'm ok with it. It's the strangest thing because I thought it would take years to say that but it's a part of learning how to live and being your own person. Funny enough, I guess I always dreamed of doing everything on my own and becoming this fairytale movie character or something. I always pictured a very quaint little apartment, very modern, overlooking a charming city whether day or night. And although right now that has not happened as I pictured it for the last few years of my life, it's perfectly fine because I would not change where I am and how far I have come. To graduate college, find a job in my field 3 months after graduation, and be comfortable; those are the most important accomplishments of my life and to me. I paid for my own lasik eye surgery in less than a year. I've been able to afford repairs on my car and not had to take a loan, etc. It's a terrific feeling to know how much you've accomplished in a short period of time.

I've learned that family means more to me now than it ever did and I wish that I could have seen that a few years ago. Of course you always miss people you lose but there is nothing you can do about it and you can't bring them back. But what if for one day, just a few hours, you could? I would spill my heart in endless love and let them know how much they mean. How much they have helped shaped me into the woman I have become and will continue to be. Just a few hours would be nice..

I've also learned what it's like to be in love versus being infactuated with someone. To have compassion for someone and to feel their needs more than your own. To be able to put that person ahead of all your worries and woes. To smile and know that even though you've had a misunderstanding or disagreement, you both want to be there for each other and want to fight to make such a good thing work. I've had my share of heartbreak and I can tell you, it's hard for me to let someone in. To let down those walls and see what it's like to have someone just tear you apart- not on the top 10 list of my favorite things. I guess when you hit enough potholes in your life, eventually you will find that paved road and won't have to worry about that any more. You can breathe and live knowing someone truly cares about your feelings more than they can explain. I would not give up the world for this type of bond and I'm so lucky to have finally had something so special walk into my life. <3 Of course, I've watched my friends grow up and grow apart, but that's life. Everyone has their own destiny and some you can be a part of from beginning to end. Others you have to let them take the steps on their own and watch them grow from afar. It's something I've always been very intrigued by but it's just what happens. No one can control it, there are certain things that make certain people happier and others have a different opinion. No matter what, your true friends always come around and will be there in the end, hands down.

I guess there are other things I could go on and rant about but nothing else is really all that important to me right now. Teo Leo, Philadelphia, Boofrannn, and a day off tomorrow. I'm estatic!


Well, until the next thought-

xoxo,
Amdawg

Unforgettable..

"..That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too.."

Until the next thought-

Amdawg

Strange Dreams

So last night I had one of the strangest dreams I've had in a very long time. I was in a hotel with my old art teacher from grade school and a girl I barely talked to in high school. The art teacher was some sort of elder to me (don't ask me how) and the girl that was there kept pushing my buttons (I think she was a cousin or something, even though we're not even close to being related). So she starts hiding my things and making a mess of my life. I ended up taking action and beating her up. Now I am in now way a violent person so it was more like slapping until she coward in the corner. She apologized and I left the room, very upset with what I had done and the situation overall. According to a dream interpretation;

"To see violence in your dream, indicates unexpressed anger or rage. You need more discipline in your life. If you enjoy the violence, then it points to your aggressive tendencies. The dream may also reflect repressed memories of child abuse. In particular, to dream of violence to yourself, represents self punishment and guilt. You may be feeling helpless or vulnerable in some area of your life. Violence toward others in your dream, suggests that you may be fighting or struggling against aspects of your own Self. "

Next I somehow ended up meeting up with Roy who gave me some kind of drink that gave me this flying squirrel super power. I could run about 20 ft and then jump in the air and glide all over the place. I end up doing this all over what appears to be a SUPER tall Atlantic City or something similar with casinos, parking garages full to the max, and people everywhere enjoying everyday life. I finally end up back on top of the over looking mountain and want to try to glide over the city once more. Just as I run and jump over the cliff, my powers are gone. I'm falling at a speed that I can no longer control and need something to grab onto. I start to reach for buildings to hang from and nothing is working. Finally, I end up grabbing onto a ledge and just like Jenga, the buildings begin to fall. There is nothing I can do but watch the debris engulf the city and destroy all the beautiful sights. I let go of the ledge as soon as all of this takes place and hope for the best. I end up safely on the ground somehow and get inside as soon as I can to take cover. According to a dream interpretation;

"As with most common dream themes, falling is an indication of insecurities, instabilities, and anxieties. You are feeling overwhelmed and out of control in some situation in your waking life. This may reflect the way you feel in your relationship or in your work environment. You have lost your foothold and can not hang on or keep up with the hustle and bustle of daily life. When you fall, there is nothing that you can hold on to. You more or less are forced toward this downward motion without any control. This lost of control may parallel a waking situation in your life. Falling dreams also often reflect a sense of failure or inferiority in some circumstance or situation. It may be the fear of failing in your job/school, loss of status, or failure in love. You feel shameful and lack a sense of pride. You are unable to keep up with the status quo or that you don't measure up."

This could possibly explain why I don't know what to do when I'm falling but hope for the best. It's always strange to me how this kind of stuff relates and always hits home on my end. However, the dream continues.. I end up watching cars be smashed by falling pillars and people running for cover, I end up safely inside a building on some floor that there are two elevator doors. I'm not sure how I end up going from the ground when I fell to this floor about 3 or 4 stories up. Anyway, the elevators are taking way too long for my liking so I attempt to use the stairs to get to the bottom. I open the door and start to descend a spiral staircase and come to a flat landing. I'm afraid I've come to the end of the stairs and they do not lead anywhere. I don't know where to go but as I look around, a cleaning crew helps me discover an almost vertical staircase with handles I must use to carefully get down the stairs. Of course, it's very hard to understand the people who are telling me how to get down because of the cultural barrier. According to a dream interpretation;

"To dream that you are walking down a flight of stairs, represents your repressed thoughts. It suggests that you are going into your unconscious. It also refers to setbacks that you will experience in your life. If you are afraid of going down the stairs, then it suggests that you are afraid to confront your repressed emotions and thoughts. Is there something from your past that you are not acknowledging. To see spiral or winding stairs, signify growth and/or rebirth."

I do get down the stairs and go through another door only to come out to some kind of space with a gate like the ones at the mall and it is slightly open at the bottom, just enough for me to get out through. After this, I appear to be driving in a car with two girls that would have never even associate with each other in high school (different than the girl before) and they were drinking some sort of drink that appears to be liquor. Now, I do not drink and drive nor would I get in a car with people drinking hard alcohol behind the wheel but I take part in drinking the drink. I can't remember for the life of me what it was called but I know it was in a smoked glass bottle that reminded me of an upside down octopus. It was delicious and I instantly forgot about all the problems that were going on with the destruction of the city. About 10 seconds after my first taste, I remembered that someone was looking for me because of all the mess I caused. According to a dream interpretation;

"To dream that you are consuming alcohol in excess, signifies feelings of inadequacy, worries, regrets and fears of being discovered for who you really are. You are using alcohol as a way to escape or as an excuse for something you did."

And then, I woke up. I made Tom hug me because I was so confused and scared and just indifferent to the feelings I just been exposed to. It was so surreal..

I'm not exactly sure how all these things fit together but it looks like I have a lot of things going on in my life that I need to approach strongly to clear up. I'm not normally one to be scared of taking chances and normally I like new situations with new excitement. I think a lot of this has to do with my thoughts about work and moving closer to home. But at the same time, this is a great job when it's busy. There is also an opportunity for me to grow here as long as I keep learning. However it would be amazing to not have to waste so much time on my commute to and from work each week. Also, I think it has a lot to do with me growing as a person. I'm not really afraid to make my own decisions but I think as I get older, I have more opportunity for a really big failure by wrong decisions. And I can't stand failing. It's the most important thing in the world to be to always be a little better than you can be. I know that probably sounds absurd but it's true. I am very independent also and to have someone in my life that I can depend on is something new. At times I question the 'what ifs' but you can't live that way. Apparently a negative state of mind ends up in dreams like this. And if I don't make decisions now and at least try out new situations, I never know how they end up.

Well, I'm going to recollect my thoughts and process what my next steps are. Wish me luck!

Until the next thought-
Amdawg, xoxo

"That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another..."

-CharlieBrown